Another My Immortal Commentary
by kbomb234
Summary: Herein lies the feeble attempts of one terrified young author to comprehend and endure this nightmare of bad grammar and painful plot holes. Welcome to the pit of suffering and despair, folks.
1. Chapter 1

_I must be more of a masochist than I give myself credit for. I can't believe I'm doing this, but I've decided to murder myself by reviewing the god-awful fanfiction "My Immortal." Now, this isn't the most horrible fic out there. Believe me, there are far, far worse out there. However, this is the most famous of the badfics out there and I'm jumping on the bandwagon and reviewing it. Fuck…... If I survive this, I'm finding the nearest bottle of alcohol to drown my sorrows in. _

_So, to make my suffering much shorter, I'm reviewing five chapters at a time. My comments will be in __**[bracketed bolded italics] **__to make it a little easier to understand who's saying what. Though in all honesty, if you can't tell my phrasing from Tara's…., I must be much worse at grammar than I thought. My job here is to pick apart Tara's plot holes, lapses in logic, and general raping of canon (the little that I know). I will not tackle the grammar or spelling errors because I want to keep as much sanity as possible by the end of this clusterfuck. I do reserve the right to poke fun at some particularly bad pieces of spelling and grammar violation._

_With much cringing and utter hatred, this is My Immortal._

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Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik)_** [Jesus fuck, that makes no sense! Can you tell me when in the hell being gothic, I'm sorry, **__**goffik**__**, required having fangs. Also, when did fangs become a synonym for thanks? We're only two sentences into this fic, people. Pray for my sanity because I can hear it oozing out of my ears already] **_2 my gf (ew not in that way)_** [This is where I start getting pissed. Because as you can see later in this story, this comment is horribly hypocritical. But no spoilers just yet.] **_ raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. _**[This story was edited? Oh god why…..] **_U rok! Justin _**[Bieber? Because that would make a lot of sense.] **_ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! MCR ROX! _**[Panic! At The Disco is awesome! Wait, are we not yelling random band names?]**_

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Hi my name is Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way _**[What the ever-loving fuck? Good god, who names their kid Dark'ness Dementia? The apostrophe is completely unnecessary in Dark'ness and isn't dementia is a disease? Were her parents high? …This story makes so much more sense.] **_and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) _**[No, it wasn't. I had a full head of black fuzz as a baby. You can't tell me you had **_**long**_** hair when you were born.] **_with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears _**[Limpid means clear, damn it]**_ and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!)_** [Fucking hell, I love Amy Lee. Do not shame her name by your shitty fiction, bitch. Goddamnit, that means I have to stay here. Fuck.]**_. I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie _**[Because, you know, incest is suddenly ok!]**_. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white _**[Because vampires have neon blue crooked teeth]**_. I have pale white skin_** [Doesn't that come with the territory of being a vampire?]**_. I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England _**[Scotland, goddamnit. I've never even really been into Harry Potter and even **_**I **_**know where Hogwarts is!] **_where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen) _**[No dipshit]**_. I'm a goth (in case you couldn't tell) _**[No, seriously, I could not tell. There is no hints or set-up. Vampires aren't necessarily gothic and I like Amy Lee and Gerard Way. God know I'm not gothic, so how could I tell?] **__and_ I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic _**[Honey, you do realize that Hot Topic ain't the place for the stuff you wear right? I mean, I have never seen half of the objects you describe at the fucking place!] **_and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing _**[Ok, I'm going to stop you right there. The author, Tara, has this disgustingly infuriating belief that long-winded discussions about clothes are ok. Furthermore, she does this for every single fucking outfit that she puts on in this goddamn fic. So, this is just a taste, a morsel really, of the obnoxious descriptions in this.] **_a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. _**[Wait, wasn't the school uniform from Hogwarts scholarly robes. Why the hell is she dressing like a whore? Where are the pissed off teachers?] **_I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation_** [Wait, if you are already "pale white," redundancy at its best, why do you need white foundation?]**_, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining _**[That's called sleet, damnit!] **_so there was no sun _**[Oh really now?]**_, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. _**["Who let the whore in here and why is she not wearing the uniform?" "Fuck if I know."]**_ I put up my middle finger at them. _**[Aren't you the charmer?]**_

"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. _**[Ellipsis do not add suspense!] **_Draco Malfoy!

"What's up Draco?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly. _**[Once again, I know nothing of Harry Potter, but even **_**I **_**know that Draco Malfoy is not shy! It's Draco Fucking Malfoy, he eats shyness for breakfast!]**_

But then, I heard my friends call me _**[You have friends?]**_and I had to go away.

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AN: IS it good? _**[In a word, no. Fuck no. This story is an abomination. If I ever see you open a Word document ever again, I will have to eliminate you from this earth.] **_PLZ tell me fangz!

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! _**[Once again, I shudder in abject terror to think about what the original looked like] **_BTW preps stop flaming ma story _**[Sweet! Since I'm not a prep, I can flame all I want!] **_ok!

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. _**[Instead of, say, the closet. Don't remind me of the time I woke up in the bathtub.]**_ It was snowing and raining again. _**[Sleet, damn you, sleet!]**_ I opened the door of my coffin _**[Coffin? Honey, don't shame Dracula with this shit.] **_and drank some blood from a bottle I had. _**[You know, because her room obviously has the right refrigeration to store blood.] **_My coffin was black ebony _**[Ebony **_**is **_**black, you moron!]**_ and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin _**[You only just NOW got out of your coffin?!]**_ and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears _**[If you're putting earrings on, it's safe to assume your ears are pierced.]**_, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun. _**[What do you mean "a kind of messy bun?" Are there more than one kind of messy bun? Is the bun half messy? What are you talking about?!]**_

My friend, Willow (AN: Raven dis is u! _**[Number one, self-inserts usually suck ass and it's not a good idea to let people know that a character is a self-insert as it usually involves near automatic hatred and shunning. Number two, why did you put an author's note there? It disturbs the flow of the story and it's awkward.]**_) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. _**[You're telling me this bimbo grinned at you, flipped her hair, and **_**then**_** opened her eyes. That's not normal. No, that's fucking scary!] **_She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.) _**[Nobody cares! And you still don't need fucking foundation, you're already white! Powder I can understand, but not foundation! God.] **_

"OMFG _**[Goffik, my ass.]**_, I saw you talking to Draco Malfoy yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Draco?" she asked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted. _**[No need to shout, lady]**_

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Draco walked up to me.

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily. _**[Flirtily is not a word. It's flirtatiously, damnit.]**_

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Good Charlotte are having a concert in Hogsmeade." he told me. _**[Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't Wizards and Muggles have nothing to do with each other? Why is a Muggle band playing at the biggest Wizard city in Great Britain?]**_

"Oh. My. Fucking. God!" I screamed. I love GC. They are my favorite band, besides MCR. _**[Fuck it, I call utter bullshit on the idea that these bimbos are gothic, sorry, goffik. Hell, my prep friends; cheerleaders, love Twilight and Justin Bieber, etc.; have nothing on this bitch.]**_

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped. _**[Worst attempt at suspense **__ever__**!]**_

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK! _**[NEVER!]**_ odderwize _**[What?] **_fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! _**[There were good reviews? Well, the little faith I had in humanity has just been shattered.] **_FANGS AGEN RAVEN! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da lyrics 4 Good Chralotte. _**[You better not fucking own the lyrics. And look, this is so bad Tara denies even writing the damn thing!]**_

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On the night of the concert I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff _**[Ahem, don't you mean ribbon lacing and lace?]**_on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. _**[Matching? With what? The dress, the shoes, the ceiling, Snape's hair? Explain!] **_I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. _**[You know what? Fuck you, bitch. Fuck you. Cutting is not this fucking trivial thing you make it out to be. You do not cut yourself because you "felt a little depressed." People die from this shit because they cannot take living in this goddamn world. And I will be damned if I let you slide with this. Cutting is serious. Personally, you need to get out and really know what the hell you are doing. It is not cool and you are not a hard-ass for thinking that cutting is ok. It is not. So, fuck you Tara.] **_I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding _**[On another note, vampires can't fucking bleed!]**_ and I listened to some GC. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. _**[Not just the average amount of eyeliner, that's for posers. We got TONS of eyeliner]**_ Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn't put on foundation because I was pale anyway. _**[Oh NOW you say you're too pale]**_ I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Draco was waiting there in front of his flying car. _**[Correct if I'm wrong, but didn't the Weasley family have the only flying car? How the hell did Draco get it? Did he just walk up to the dad and say, "Yo Weasley, I got a bitch to please. Can I use your car?"] **_He was wearing a Simple Plan t-shirt (they would play at the show too), baggy black skater pants, black nail polish and a little eyeliner _**[Jesus fuck, what the hell did you do to Draco? If you replaced the name with Gary Stu, I don't think any of us could tell who he originally was!] **_(AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!) _**[The hell is this chick saying?]**_.

"Hi Draco!" I said in a depressed voice.

"Hi Ebony." he said back. We walked into his flying black Mercedes-Benz _**[Yeah, so I researched the car. It's a goddamn Ford Anglia. Where the hell did Draco get a fucking Benz from? If you are going to be improbable, have the decency to research your shit.]**_ (the license plate said 666) _**[Satanists don't kiss the devil's ass this much!]**_ and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Good Charlotte and Marilyn Manson. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. _**[Such good role models for our youth] **_When we got there, we both hopped out of the car. We went to the mosh pit at the front of the stage and jumped up and down as we listened to Good Charlotte.

"You come in cold, you're covered in blood  
They're all so happy you've arrived  
The doctor cuts your cord, hands you to your mom  
She sets you free into this life." sang Joel (I don't own da lyrics 2 dat song). _**[No dipshit, it makes grammatical sense. It can't be you.]**_

"Joel is so fucking hot." I said to Draco, pointing to him as he sung, filling the club with his amazing voice. _**[Wow, you're a bitch. Tell the guy you like the man on stage is hot. That's intelligent.]**_

Suddenly Draco looked sad. _**[Gee, I wonder why?]**_

"What's wrong?" I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on. _**[YOU'RE A FUCKING IDIOT!]**_

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Draco sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Joel and he's going out with Hilary fucking Duff. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of her ugly blonde face. _**[Ok, what did Lizzie McGuire do to you? She was a pretty pleasant person. Also, how the hell can a face be blond?]**_

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Draco. After the concert, we drank some beer and asked Benji and Joel for their autographs and photos with them. We got GC concert tees. Draco and I crawled back into the Mercedes-Benz _**[Alcohol's a bitch, ain' it? Why are you driving drunk, by the way?]**_, but Draco didn't go back into Hogwarts, instead he drove the car into… _**[Ellipses aren't SUSPENSEFUL!]**_ the Forbidden Forest!

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebony's name is ENOBY _**[So her name's **_**Enoby, **_**eh?]**_ nut mary su _**[Believe me, we know her name's not Mary Sue. We're saying she is **_**a **_**Mary Sue. The two are completely different] **_OK! DRACO IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! _**[Ladies and gentlemen, the primary trait of a Mary Sue. God, Tara's an idiot.] **_dey nu eechodder b4 ok! _**[I'm not even going to address this confusing mass of cattle dung.]**_

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"DRACO!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"_**[That's actually a decent question. What **_**are **_**they doing in the Forbidden Forest? Any forest named "Forbidden" is bound to have some freaky creatures tearing through the premises.]**_

Draco didn't answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously. _**[You keep saying Draco and Enoby walked out of the flying car. But you never say that they landed first… Well, now I have a precious mental image of these two falling out of a car and dying of the impact. Such good thoughts.]**_

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily. _**[Legit question.]**_

"Ebony?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) _**[Why? Can't he just use a spell and change his eye color? And for that matter, why is Draco changing his eye color? Is he complying as a Goff?] **_which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. _**[Wait, depressing sorrow and evilness halts your irritation? What? That makes no sense! That's like cooing over a psychopath after he went on a killing streak.]**_

And then… suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. _**[Ok, how the hell do you make out keenly? Seriously, I'd like to know. The only possible definition the dictionary gives is animated by or showing strong feeling or desire. But that implies making out can be passive and- FUCK IT, THIS HURTS MY BRAIN TOO MUCH] **_ He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. _**[Well, gee, it's almost like sex usually require nudity!]**_ Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. _**[… Jesus Christ. This is the worst lemon I've ever seen. Do you not have the balls to say penis and its variants or vagina and its variants? If you aren't mature enough to say the words, don't write a sex scene.]**_

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. _**[Most passive orgasm I've ever read]**_ We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" _**[Best. Line. Ever. I don't even care how bad the rest of this story is. I want this on a t-shirt.]**_

It was….Dumbledore! _**[Rock on, old man. Rock on.]**_

Chapter 5.

AN: STOP flaming! _**[Not going to happen even if you said please.]**_ if u flam it menz ur a prep or a posr! _**[Better than being goffik] **_Da only reson Dumbledeor swor is coz he had a hedache _**[Migraine, understandable. Headache, bullshit] **_ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! _**[Not going to lie, that is a pretty good reason to swear] **_PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws! _**[Oh thank god, that's never going to happen!]**_

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Dumbledore made and Draco and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily.

"You ludacris fools!" he shouted. _**['Shawty got lower than I ever really thought she could. Face down, ass up! The top of your booty's jiggling out yo jeans, Baby, pull your pants up!' Couldn't resist] **_

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. _**[That's not healthy for a vampire or human.] **_Draco comforted me. When we went back to the castle Dumbledore took us to Professor Snape and Professor McGonagall who were both looking very angry.

"They were having sexual intercourse in the Forbidden Forest!" he yelled in a furious voice.

"Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?" asked Professor McGonagall.

"How dare you?" demanded Professor Snape._** [Holy shit, these guys are in character!]**_

And then Draco shrieked. "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" _**[BULLSHIT! And that's the stupidest excuse I've ever heard! Goodbye, my in-character friends. Perhaps we may meet again in happier fics.]**_

Everyone was quiet. Dumbledore and Professor McGonagall still looked mad but Professor Snape said. "Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms." _**[Well, now I know how to get out of any trouble. "Why did you kill twenty women?" "BECAUSE I LOVE HER!" "Let the man go! He loved them!"]**_

Draco and I went upstairs while the teachers glared at us.

"Are you okay, Ebony?" Draco asked me gently.

"Yeah I guess." I lied. I went to the girl's dorm and brushed my teeth and my hair and changed into a low-cut black floor-length dress with red lace all around it and black high heels. _**[Number One, don't care. Number Two, who wears heels to bed, especially when said bed is a coffin?]**_ When I came out….

Draco was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to sing 'I just wanna live' by Good Charlotte. I was so flattered, _**[That's not a flattering song, damnit.] **_even though he wasn't supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into his room.

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_Thank fuck, it's over! This was a stupid ass beginning and it's only going to get stupider. Jesus. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to grab a few aspirin and curl under my bed for a couple hours. _

_~kbomb234 out_


	2. Chapter 2

_Hey guys, sorry I've been so long gone. This story is such a nightmare to commentate without cringing, that I kind of lost my will. But I'm back with another painful segment of "My Immortal" filled with my comments. Don't forget my comments are __**[bracketed bold italics] **__and the actual shitshow is in _regular _type. By the way, please reread Chapter One! Kouralia pointed out that I had half finished comments on there which have been fixed!_

_ENBONY11111: Thank you for your kind comment! Next one's up!_

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Chapter 6.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! **_[And I keep telling you, I'm not a prep. And as such, I will not "shjt up."]_** PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows! **_[That will happen when Hell freezes over and the devil teaches ice skating lessons.]_**

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The next day I woke up in my coffin. **_[Do you normally wake up in strange places? Is that why you make it such a goddamn priority to let us know that you wake up in your bed- sorry, _****coffin****_?]_** I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses **_[I would like you to note this fact. Specifically that she put on two _****crosses ****_as earrings.] _**in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple. **_[That doesn't seem healthy.]_**

In the Great Hall, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk **_[Really? Really?! You have the audacity to make a vampire eat Count Chocula?! How much more ridiculous can you get? Good Lord! That's like leprechauns eating Lucky Charms, that's like bees eating Honey Nut Cheerios. It's a great advertising point, but as a device for irony? No.]_**, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

"Bastard!" I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. **_[Because attractive people can do no wrong.]_** He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face **_[Wait, what do you mean "I was going down his face?" Were you just using his face as an impromptu slide 'cause I gotta tell you, that sounds painfully awkward.] _**and he was wearing black lipstick. **_[Ew. I'm sorry, but if you are going to be gothic, at least try to be tasteful about it. I know several goths and believe me, they'd be horrified by this description of "attractive" gothic makeup] _**He didn't have glasses anymore **_[No.] _**and now he was wearing red contact lenses just like Draco's **_[No no.] _**and there was no scar on his forhead anymore.**_[No, no, no.]_** He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. **_[For fuck's sake!] _**He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I'm a girl so I didn't get one you sicko. **_[Uh, what? Honey, you're the one who wrote this, so if you give us imagery for a lady boner, it's your own damn fault.] _**

"I'm so sorry." he said in a shy voice.

"That's all right. What's your name?" I questioned.

"My name's Harry Potter, although most people call me Vampire these days." he grumbled. **_[JESUS FUCK!]_**

"Why?" I exclaimed.

"Because I love the taste of human blood." he giggled. **_[Goddamnit! This is a new low! This is a new fucking low! You take Harry fucking Potter, one of the most iconic magical characters of the modern era and you turn him into a fucking pussy vampire?! No, not even a fucking vampire. A pansy ass blood drinker! What the hell? What is your major malfunction, you fucking bitch? I don't even _****like ****_Harry Potter, but at least I have the goddamn decency to research the characters to at least portray them as in-character or at least give a warning that some-READ SOME-of the characters would be OOC. But _****this ****_bitch says fuck all! GOD!]_**

"Well, I am a vampire." I confessed.

"Really?" he whimpered.

"Yeah." I roared. **_[Random, no? I don't think you can use these random words in place of said without good reason. Furthermore, you can't fucking tell people you're a fucking vampire! That's the number one rule of being a fucking vampire! There are certain exceptions, but they were logical because either everyone was a fucking vampire or humans knew they existed. This is just stupid!]_**

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Draco came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him. **_[Did the chapter just die? Because I think the chapter just died.]_**

Chapter 7. Bring me 2 life

AN: wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. **_[BULLSHIT! I CALL FUCKING BULLSHIT!]_** n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! **_[That's never going to happen legitimately.] _**STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Evony isn't a Marie Sue ok she isn't perfect SHES A SATANITS! **_[Oh yeah, totally not a Mary-Sue. Everyone loves her, she breaks rules but doesn't get in trouble, she's beautiful but hates her beauty; yeah, that's definitely not the traits of a Mary-Sue]_** n she has problemz shes depressed 4 godz sake! **_[She's not fucking depressed, she's just an attention seeker.]_**

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Draco and I held our pale white hands with black nail polish **_[I know I'm being nitpicky, but the grammar is so ambiguous that it sounds like these two are holding each other's cut-off hands… Kinda makes this even worse]_** as we went upstairs. I was wearing red Satanist sings on my nails in red nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Maru Sue 2 u?) **_[Not yet, but I know you're going to dash the last remnants of hope that I have left in humanity]_**. I waved to Vampire. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. **_[Redundant much? The line's cliché enough as it is, hun. There's no need to make it worse.] _**I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Draco. Anyway, I went upstairs excitedly with Draco. We went into his room and locked the door. Then…

We started frenching passively **_[Huh. Well, that answers the question if you can make-out passively. (See my Chapter One)] _**and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my top. **_[Descriptive] _**Then I took off my black leather bra and he took off his pants.**_[One, that bra sounds obnoxiously uncomfortable. Two, _****STOP MAKING A BIG DEAL OVER THE FACT THAT YOU TOOK OFF YOUR CLOTHING! ****_Unless you're writing a strip scene, get over the fucking clothing! God!] _**We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his boy's thingy in mine **_[Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You have a "boy thingy" too? What the hell? I don't mind homosexuality or dubious sexuality (I read hardcore yaoi and BDSM, for God's sake), but you'd think that the fact that Enoby may or may not be transsexual or intersexed would be a major plot point.] _**and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?) **_[Yes. Yes it is.]_**

"Oh Draco, Draco!" I screamed while getting an orgasm when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Draco's arm. **_[What the fuck? You've seen the guy naked before and you only _****just now ****_noticed it?] _**It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody gothic writing were the words… Vampire! **_[Wait, wait, wait, wait. You're telling me Draco fucked Harry (while he was Vampire, nonetheless)?! Goddamnit, this is pissing me off even more!]_**

I was so angry. **_[Why? That relationship's over.]_**

"You bastard!" I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

"No! No! But you don't understand!" Draco pleaded. But I knew too much. **_[What do you mean "knew too much?" The relationship is fucking over!]_**

"No, you fucking idiot!" I shouted. "You probably have AIDs anyway!"**_[Honey, y'all didn't use no condoms; that means you probably have HIV and will develop AIDS too.]_**

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Draco ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big you-know-what but I was too mad to care. **_[If you're too mad to care, then why the hell did you mention it? And another thing, THAT RELATIONSHIP IS OVER AND FUCKING DONE! THERE IS NO NEED TO BE FUCKING JEALOUS!] _** I stomped out and did so until I was in Vampire's classroom where he was having a lesson with Professor Snape and some other people.

"VAMPIRE POTTER, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" I yelled.

Chapter 8.

AN: stop flassing ok! **_[What do you mean, "flassing?"]_** if u do de prep!

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Everyone in the class stared at me and then Draco came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back. **_[And Snape says, "Skipping class, intruding on another class, and indecent exposure. Two hundred points from Slytherin.] _**

"Ebony, it's not what you think!" Draco screamed sadly.

My friend B'loody Mary Smith smiled at me understatedly. **_[Understatedly? That's kind of an odd adverb to use there.] _**She flipped her long waste-length gothic black hair and opened her crimson eyes like blood that she was wearing contact lenses on. **_[STOP GIVING PEOPLE RED CONTACT LENSES! AND LET PEOPLE OPEN THEIR EYES _****BEFORE****_ THEY DO SHIT! THIS IS JUST GETTING FUCKING SCARY!]_** She had pale white skin that she was wearing white makeup on. Hermione was kidnapped when she was born. **_[AND STOP RAPING CANON! CANON WAS GOOD ENOUGH BEFORE YOU DECIDED TO FUCK WITH IT! LEAVE THE FUCKING CANON ALONE! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST ON A MOTHERFUCKING POGO STICK] _**Her real parents are vampires and one of them is a witch but Voldemort killed her mother and her father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. She still has nightmares about it and she is very haunted and depressed. It also turns out her real last name is Smith and not Granger. (Since she has converted to Satanism she is in Slytherin now not Griffindoor. ) **_[YOU CAN'T CHANGE MOTHERFUCKING HOUSES!]_**

"What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!" Snape demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him.

"Vampire, I can't believe you cheated on me with Draco!" I shouted at him. **_[HOW MANY FUCKING TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS? THE MOTHERFUCKING RELATIONSHIP IS MOTHERFUCKING _****OVER! ****_AND YOU WEREN'T EVEN DATING HARRY, HOW THE HELL CAN HE CHEAT ON YOU!]]_**

Everyone gasped.

I don't know why Ebony was so mad at me. **_[Wait, what?]_** I had went out with Vampire (I'm bi and so is Ebony) for a while but then he broke my heart. **_[What?] _**He dumped me because he liked Britney, a stupid preppy fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems, and now he was gothic. (Haha, like I would hang out with a prep.) **_[Ok, just stop! Who the hell is speaking? Draco? That would have been nice to point out! Second, why the hell is Enoby bi if the author clearly has problems with two girls being together? You remember the first chapter where Tara gets mad for the audience believing that Raven was her girlfriend? The author should not have written bi characters if she has problems with girl on girl, because a bi girl is ok with that! Jesus…..]_**

"But I'm not going out with Draco anymore!" said Vampire. **_[That's what I've been saying!]_**

"Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!" I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility **_[Heeheeheehee, she lost her manliness]_** to Draco and then I started to bust into tears. **_[So, you exploded into a bunch of tears?]_**

Chapter 9.

AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox! dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers! **_[I haven't read the books or seen the movies, yet somehow I know more about Harry fucking Potter than you do!] _**besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! **_[That has absolutely nothing to do with the animosity between Harry and Snape!]_**MCR ROX!

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I was so mad and sad. I couldn't believe Draco for cheating on me. **_[You're a fucking idiot!] _**I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn't have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) **_[Gee, I wonder who it could be?] _**and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn't gothic. **_[You know, because being gothic is the important part of this encounter. God forbid someone panic because He-Who-Should-Not-Be-Named showed up out of nowhere.]_** It was… Voldemort! **_[No! It couldn't be!]_**

"No!" I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted "Imperius!" and I couldn't run away.

"Crookshanks!" **_[What? Isn't that Hermione's cat?] _**I shouted at him. Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I'm a sadist **_[Honey, if you're a sadist, you don't give a fuck if he's in pain!]_** so I stopped.

"Ebony." he yelled. "Thou must kill Vampire Potter!" **_[….When the hell did Voldemort travel to Elizabethan England?]_**

I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden. **_[You're a whore! Why should Draco stay faithful to you if you're off fantasizing about other men?!]_** I remembered that Draco had said I didn't understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up? **_[What the _****fuck ****_have I been saying for the past two chapters? Jesus Christ, you are a fucking _****idiot****_!]_**

"No, Voldemort!" I shouted back.

Voldemort gave me a gun. **_[If you're a bunch of wizards, then why the hell do you need a gun to kill someone? Use a fucking spell! What's the matter with you?] _**"No! Please!" I begged.

"Thou must!" he yelled. "If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!" **_[So apparently Voldemort really does speaks in a half-assed Shakespearean accent. Who knew?]_**

"How did you know?" I asked in a surprised way.

Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face. **_[That's the face I have every time I read this.] _**"I hath telekinesis." he answered cruelly. **_[This is another t-shirt line. I don't care anymore. All that I know is that Dumbledore and Voldy have the best lines in this entire story.] _**"And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!" he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.

I was so scared and mad I didn't know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.

"Draco!" I said. "Hi!" **_[You just heard all of this shit and you say 'Hi!' in such a happy manner? Why don't you tell him what just went down? Voldemort's ass would be beaten so fast it would make his head spin!]_**

"Hi." he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) **_[No.] _**between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

"No." he answered.

"I'm sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me." I expelled.**_ [Because, you know, a weak ass apology makes EVERYTHING better!]_**

"That's okay." he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out. **_ [Not gonna lie, I am pretty impressed by her ability to walk and kiss at the same time.]_**

Chapter 10.

AN: stup it u gay fags **_[Hey! Don't call people that if your own damn characters are bi/gay!] _**if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out b'loody mary isn't a muggle afert al n she n vampire r evil datz y dey movd houses ok! **_[You can't fucking move houses!]_**

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I was really scared about Vlodemort all day. **_[And yet you have the time to play in a fucking band.] _**I was even upset went to rehearsals with my gothic metal band Bloody Gothic Rose 666. **_[Worst band name ever.]_** I am the lead singer of it and I play guitar. **_[Of course you are. You're a fucking Sue] _**People say that we sound like a cross between GC, Slipknot and MCR. **_[That does not sound good]_** The other people in the band are B'loody Mary, Vampire, Draco, Ron (although we call him Diabolo now. **_[Fucking really?]_** He has black hair now with blue streaks in it.) **_[You bitch! You don't just get rid of Weasley red hair! Are you trying to start a riot?] _**and Hargrid. Only today Draco and Vampire were depressed so they weren't coming and we wrote songs instead. I knew Draco was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn't die because he was a vampire too and the only way you can kill a vampire is with a c-r-o-s-s (there's no way I'm writing that) **_[But you wore cross earrings_** **_in Chapter 5! Have some fucking continuity in this fucking thing!] _**_or_ a steak **_[Yeah, because throwing raw steaks onto vampires surely kills them. _**) and Vampire was probably watching a depressing movie like The Corpse Bride. I put on a black leather shirt that showed off my boobs and tiny matching miniskirt that said Simple Plan on the butt. You might think I'm a slut but I'm really not. **_[Why deny your true nature?]_**

We were singing a cover of 'Helena' and at the end of the song I suddenly bust into tears.

"Ebony! Are you OK?" B'loody Mary asked in a concerted voice. **_[Hermoine, damnit.]_**

"What the fuck do you think?" I asked angrily. And then I said. "Well, Voldemort came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Harry! But I don't want to kill him, because, he's really nice, even if he did go out with Draco. But if I don't kill Harry, then Voldemort, will fucking kill Draco!" I burst into tears.  
Suddenly Draco jumped out from behind a wall.

"Why didn't you fucking tell me!" he shouted. "How could you- you- you fucking poser muggle bitch!" (c is dat out of character?) **_[From what little I know of the character, this actually is pretty in character for him, if you ignore the poser part. And that is a good question. Why _****didn't ****_Enoby tell him about the plot to kill Draco? I mean, you'd think the first people she'd tell about the plan to kill Draco and Harry would be Draco and Harry.]_**

I started to cry and cry. Draco started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying. **_[There's the OOC pansy boy that I've learned to know and hate! And here I almost thought Tara had decided to deprive us of the incredibly stupidity he's become.]_**

We practiced for one more hour. **_[Because fuck Draco!]_** Then suddenly Dumbeldore walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn't cause he had a headache. **_[Migraines are a bitch, but there is no way in hell that Dumbledore would have fiery eyes from that.]_**

"What have you done!" He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y) **_[How does one cry wisely? That makes no sense!] _**"Ebony Draco has been found in his room. He committed suicide by slitting his wrists."**_[What the fuck? You just said, within this chapter, that it was ok for Draco to slit his wrists because vampires can't die from it. How the fuckity fuck-fuck did he die from something like that? Answer me, damn you, ANSWER ME!]_**

* * *

_I don't miss this story. It only gets worse, kiddies. I'm gonna contemplate my life choices and forget this. The third update should be up soon. _


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